Solving America’s Problems (in addition to driving sensible neighbors to the polls)

Jim O’Neill must indeed have had the time to ponder, while walking door-to-door, for a very important local candidate. We are certain it was only tea in the bottle he took with him, in keeping with the sobriety of our present crisis in self-governance. ~~~

I recently spent some time pondering how to solve some of the problems besetting America, and I thought that perhaps others might be interested in the solutions I came up with. So here they are:

Illegal immigrants:

Gather up all of the illegal immigrants in the lower 48 states, and put them on buses with a bunch of box-lunches. Drive them to Alaska and drop them off. Alaska is officially an illegal immigrant sanctuary—the whole dang state—apparently they WANT illegal immigrants. They want ‘em, they got ‘em—God knows, Alaska has the room (any overflow can be siphoned off to Maine, which is also a sanctuary state. Odd that both states are so geographically removed from the problem—look for Hawaii to jump on the bandwagon next). (Link)

Mexico doesn’t seem to want their citizens back—so it’s a win/win all around. (Link)

(A refinement on this plan is to use sanctuary cities as holding areas to house the illegal immigrants while they wait for their buses. The sanctuary cities won’t mind a few extra folks, I’m sure). (Link)

Legalizing pot:

According to Darwinian theory, “stoners” should have become extinct long ago, (“Whoa, check out the teeth on that saber-tooth, dude. Here kitty, kitty”). Nonetheless, here they are, and ready as ever to toke up. I admire their durability, but nevertheless, I’m opposed to legalizing pot. Why?

George Soros has been pushing for marijuana legalization for years, and that’s all the reason I need to oppose it. If Soros is for it, you know it can’t be good for America. As soon as you’ve got “spooky dude” backing you, no matter what your cause, you’ve lost my support. (Link) and (Link)

Muslim terrorists:

What puerile euphemism are we using these days? “Bio-engineered self-destruction modules?” “Distraught freedom fighters?” “Fighter” sounds so crude though—how about “distraught freedom advocates?” (Link)

Whatever. I would have said ship them all to Europe a few months ago, as “Eurabia” couldn’t seem to get enough of them. But several European countries appear to be having second thoughts, and are deciding that maybe multiculturalism isn’t such a swell idea after all. (Link)

At least not with Muslims, who don’t appear to be much for assimilating into their host country’s culture, but are very keen indeed on converting their host countries into sharia-compliant vassal-states of Islam. So, what to do? (Link)

Instead of the current “catch and release” policy, advocated by the ACLU and others, why don’t we put any captured Muslim terrorists into rubber rafts off the coast of North Korea, and let them make their way ashore. No doubt the North Koreans will welcome them with open arms, and the terrorists will feel right at home. We’ll just have to keep a real close eye on North Korea. Problem solved. Next? (Link)

Traitorous and/or corrupt bankers, CEOs, and government officials. Jail. (Link)

Well, unfortunately, I’ve got to wrap this article up so I can go do some canvassing for my local patriotic Constitutional conservative candidates.

I’ll end by saying that I’ve, of course, just been kidding during parts of this article. I’m just not sure which parts. Let’s kick some butt on Tuesday!

Laus Deo!

Born in June of 1951 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Jim O’Neill proudly served in the U.S. Navy from 1970-1974 in both UDT-21 (Underwater Demolition Team) and SEAL Team Two. A member of MENSA, he worked as a commercial diver in the waters off Scotland, India, and the United States. In 1998 while attending the University of South Florida as a journalism student, O’Neill won “First Place” in the “Carol Burnett/University of Hawaii AEJMC Research in Journalism Ethics Award.” The annual contest was set up by Carol Burnett with the money she won from successfully suing the National Enquirer for libel.